Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Journey Back to Hijab

My hijab story is more like a secret diary that no one should ever read. It is filled with horrible facts about me and points out my weaknesses and mistakes. You will not find butterflies and rainbows in this story. Rather, my journey to hijab is filled with fear, negativity and regret. So I warn you all: read with caution.

 The most important thing you should know is that I used to wear hijab, but eventually took it off. I hate saying it, admitting to the world that I was one of those ignorant girls who went backwards after putting on the hijab, instead of moving forward with my deen. But it’s what I did and I can’t change it.

I first put on the hijab due to an extreme iman rush after an Islamic conference and pressure I felt from my community members, because, Mashallah, almost all the girls I knew already wore hijab and were so religious. I always felt like an outcast not wearing it, so I decided to just do it.

After putting on the scarf, however, I was extremely self-cautious. I would feel fine wearing it when I was around my religious friends, but, when I was with other ‘normal’ people, I was ashamed. I tried to cover, while still blending in: wearing hoods and hats to cover my hair, instead of proper hijab. I didn’t understand that ‘hijab’ was true modesty, not only in dressing but actions as well. I treated the hijab simply as a cloth on my head. I regretted the day I decided to wear the hijab and every bone in my body screamed at me to take it off, but I was afraid of what people would think of me. So I continued my self-loathing and wore the scarf. I felt horrible because I knew I wasn’t getting reward from Allah (swt). After all, I only kept on my hijab from fear of people’s judgment, rather than fulfilling the command of my Lord.

The regret continued and became stronger each day. I woke up miserable knowing I had to put on my hijab. I hated going out, especially with my husband, because I felt that every other girl looked beautiful to him except me. His consolation only made it worse. I didn’t believe him when he said I looked beautiful because I felt ugly, inside and out. I was always irritated and fighting with everyone around me.

After two years of my ongoing battle with the hijab, my nafs finally won, leaving my iman scattered to pieces. I shed the command of my Judge.I couldn’t handle it anymore. But taking off my scarf didn’t give me the relief I was looking for. I still had regret. Sure, I was happier sometimes because I got to make my hair, but I felt really bad and disappointed in myself. This time, when I was around my religious friends, I felt ashamed. I felt like I was less than them. I knew I wasn’t happy before, but at least I was following Allah’s (swt) command. Now, I still had regret and I was disobeying. It was a lose-lose situation.

I tried to console myself whenever the regret kicked in, telling myself that at least I was a good person that prayed, fasted and dressed modestly. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I was disobeying Allah (swt), every second of everyday that I was in front of non-mahrams. My biggest fear was dying without wearing the hijab.

A year and half after taking off the hijab, I went to Hajj with my husband, Alhamdulillah. It was quite the experience, but I did not cover when I came back home. Subhanallah! Now the guilt was doubled. Everyone was calling me Hajji, but I felt like a big fraud, a failure. While I was discussing hajj with a few people, someone said, “A sign that your hajj has been accepted is if you change after completing it.”

I immediately felt foolish. I knew I hadn’t changed all that much even though my reoccurring dua at Hajj was that I wear the hijab. This slowly brought about the change that I needed. At that point, I knew I had to wear hijab again. I had to make a difference in my life and gain Allah’s (swt) love.

I thought about putting on the hijab everyday after that. Every morning I would wake up and say to myself, “Today is the day…” but it never was. I walked around everyday with a smile on my face, even though I was constantly in battle with my nafs.

Why am I so weak? How come everyone I know can wear it, but me? How is it possible that everyone just loves hijab and I despise wearing it?

I realized that I didn’t simply hate the hijab, I was afraid of it, afraid of what it could turn me into: a self-loathing, low self-esteem introverted human being.  I felt like my iman was so much higher when I wasn’t wearing hijab than when I was. The fear of wearing hijab was so strong, that even truly wanting to wear it wasn’t enough to make me put it on.

I tired to increase my iman as much as I could, so that I would have the courage to cover myself, as my Lord has prescribed.  My sister-in-law visited me from Atlanta and took that opportunity to speak to me about death and the last days. She told me that she used to be afraid of death because, like me, she didn’t want to die hijab-less. Once she put on the hijab however, she said that her fear of dying had decreased immensely. She helped me realize that my fear of hijab was miniscule compared to my fear of the Day of Judgment, when I would be asked about my deeds.

What would I say when I was questioned about the hijab?  I didn’t want to look ugly? I feel like inadequate saying it to myself, so how could I possibly say that to my Creator?

In hopes of continuing to increase my iman, I listened to lectures and something the speaker said really hit a nerve with me, Alhamdulillah. He said that the Day of Judgment is 50,000 years long and that is not even including the rest of the akhira, just that ONE day. Meanwhile, we live on this earth for maybe 100 years, if we are blessed with a very long life. And on the Day of Judgment these 100 years will seem like they were 15 minutes long, if that. Will it be worth it, at that point, that I got to show my hair off to strangers and feel ‘pretty’ for 15 minutes? Of course not!

My fear of hijab was slowly starting to diminish, with the help of Allah (swt). Soon after, I was truly inspired by a close friend of mine who decided to wear the hijab. I was so happy to see her at my door, proudly wearing her white and black hijab. I was so shocked and a part of me, a huge part, felt guilty, because there she was covered and modest, meanwhile I did not even wear hijab. My shock was not due to her lack of iman or anything; she is Mashallah a very good Muslim. Rather, it was because of her family, who was very against hijab. But against all odds and by the will of Allah (swt), she chose to wear the hijab anyway. She put Allah's (swt) command first, disregarding what her own family would think and how they would react. I was overwhelmed by her strength, proud of her courage and jealous of her commitment and iman. She truly inspired me and made me feel the guilt of disobeying Allah's (swt) command without saying a single word.


That was the last straw. Alhamdulillah, I decided to wear the hijab a few days later. This time I felt so strong and ready to face the challenges that would confront me.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy and I certainly wasn’t looking forward to the hard times, but I knew that earning Allah’s (swt) wrath just to show off my hair was not only foolish, but also utterly insane. It has been three months since I put on the hijab and inshallah I plan to keep it on. Wearing the hijab is not just a once in a lifetime decision. It is a choice you make everyday, every time you step out of your house or meet a non-mahram. By the will of Allah (swt), I hope to make the right choice everyday, for the rest of my life, and look forward to reap the benefits in the akhira. 

Until next time...

9 comments:

  1. MashAllah, alhamduLilah you put it on again and inshAllah you won't ever regret it, i've been wearing hijab for a year and 1/2 now alhamduLilah, but at first i was very self concious and didnt even want to leave my house, but alhamduLilah you get used to it and remember that you want to please the creator not the creation.

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  2. well i was like that before i wear hijab because my mum ask me to wear when i was 12 years old. i obeyed her until i was 14. soon after that i start to rebel by not wearing hijab n everything she asked me why im not wearing i will just give her excuse. when i was in uni wear hijab to class(all the time) but when i go out i wear it sometimes. i feel hypocrite when i did this. but alhamdulillah since last semester i wear it again as a FULL time hijab n never took if again until now. n the good news even my sister starts 2 wear hijab this week :)

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  3. Wow! This is possibly the best blog I have ever read! I am so proud of you and how you conquered your fear sis, you are a motivation for other sisters out there who have these constant battles in their head... Inshallah Allah (swt) keeps us all on the right path with no regrets

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  4. awesome :) inspiring and honest love it

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  5. Mashallah! You spoke your heart girl! It takes lot of guts to accept one's mistakes! Truly inspiring!

    Uzma

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  6. Beauty now what about niqab? You ready for that challenge beautiful? Inshalllah

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  7. You know, ever since I started wearing hijab after hajj 2009, I've struggled with it. When I would hear or read about what others would have to say, they would be very preachy about how proud and beautiful I "should" feel when wearing it... but that, I found, was just not the support I needed on the days I found it hardest.

    I read your article just before fajr this morning and found it wonderful! It feels great to know someone else went through what I'm going through and what they ultimately decided. It makes me want to continue trying to wear hijab for as long as possible. God bless you!

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  8. My Allah tala bless you all

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  9. I was 11 when my mom told me to wear the hijab..with no explanation whatsoever, she made me do it. and i was fine with it till i understood the true meaning of the hijab..that was at age 16. and i guess it just overwhelmed me, and there was thia horrible feeling in my gut for a few months. to top it off, my friends kept commenting on how a proper hijabi should be and all this just drove me, im ashamed to say this, it drove me to take of my hijab ):

    i've been without it for a year or so now...and i feel like i've cleared my mind. i've strengthened myself to handle all the criticism to come about my behaviour and stuff. The biggest problem im facing in my attempt to wear the hijab again, is that people will judge me for being insincere and assuming im going to take it off again.

    my family..has been cold towards me ever since i took it off... Pretty much alone. but with Allah insya'Allah.

    You have no idea how much i identify with you.
    i need that strength to face the people that have seen me in the hijab for 5 years.

    I have much respect for you. insya'Allah i'll be able to muster the courage soon.

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